Thank you for the nice letter you sent me after I terminated my business phone service with you and switched to Ring Central. I had no idea I was such a coveted customer. You did such a good job of fooling me into thinking I wasn’t important through your nearly 20 years of abuse and poor customer service. Wow, you really did love me though. I guess the joke’s on me, you stinker!
The outside front of the envelope containing your love letter to me has printed in large-font blue lettering “We miss you already“. Awe, shucks. Really? I’m blushing. Immediately below that is something that you had heretofore not shared with me, “How about Broadband and Unlimited Nationwide Calling, now starting at $60/month*? Plus, a one-on-one business consultation. Details inside”.
Wow, if I knew you had such a great offer that you weren’t telling me about, I would have left sooner! As soon as my goosebumps settled, I opened the letter to be greeted with more love. “We want you back”. I especially like how, after almost 20 years as a loyal customer, I’m affectionately known to you as “Dear Business Customer”.
But the overwhelming amount of goodness is ladled on even thicker in the rest of the letter.
You invite me to “Come back today and get it All for Less. Now starting at $60 a month”, and you say that I can “have everything you need and nothing I don’t”. Fancy words. Very enticing.
But here’s the thing, AT&T. You truly do suck, and you always have.